You’re a poser and you know it. May as well admit it! Embrace your poserliness. Relish the feeling of having nothing left to lose, since you are already on the bottom of the ocean looking up.
Poser Commission Check
I. The Poser’s Bookshelf
You Poser! Genuine Fake IDs
Mark Shulman. 2003. Paper. 48pg. $5.99 (Why not an even $6.00? What do you expect from a poser?). Tangerine Press.
Pawn yourself off as something that you’re not. Perfect gift for the poser in your life (we all know you are buying it for yourself). No big words to make your head hurt. Written for ages 4 to 8 so you should be able to handle it.
Cubicle Survival Guide: Keeping Your Cool in the Least Hospitable Environment on Earth
James F. Thompson. 2007. Paper. 240pg. $12.95. Villard.
You are going to live in one of these little boxes until you die. Get used to it. Decorate. Make yourself at home. And get this book so you can learn how to blend in, keep a low profile, and fend off those that want to do you in. Enjoy!
Pimp My Cubicle: Take Your Workspace from Boring to Bling!
Reverend Smoothello G. Debaclous. 2006. Paper. 64pg. $14.95. Running Press Book Publishers.
How can you be cool when you live in a little box, earning wage-slave money, taking the bus early each morning, looking all pale and pasty? While the bosses drive Porsches, come in late, leave early, take lots of vacations, and have nice tans?
The short answer is you can’t, and you never will. You’re a loser. A putz. But hey, at least you can pretend you still have some dignity left. Decorate. Express yourself with bricabrac and kitschy pseudo-hip crap. Waste some of the little money you earn for holding down a chair on this book and have at it.
Working With You is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work
Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster. 2007. Paper. 256pg. $14.99. Warner Business Books.
You are to scared to go independent and work from home. This book will help you deal with all the fun personalities at the office. Psychos and egomaniacs and bullies, oh my!
Out of Your Cubicle And Into Business: 114 Questions To Answer Before You Make The Move From A Corporation Or University Job Into Your Own Business!
Lea A. Strickland. 2007. Paper. 200pg. $19.95. Authorhouse.
Now here is a book posers everywhere will love. 114 questions? That’s 113 too many. The odds are 100% that you will answer no to at least one of the questions. This let’s you off the hook. You can say you checked it out and an authoritative source told you to get back into your box. How convenient!
Here is the only question you have to ask yourself: If not now, when?
Born Losers: A History of Failure in America
Scott A. Sandage. 2006. Paper. 384pg. $16.95. Harvard University Press.
They say history is writen by the victors. They are right. But one of them decided to take a look way down into the depths of history to dredge out the other side of the story. The losers side. As a poser, you have every right to claim your place in this history too.
1,001 Excuses!: How to Get Out Of…and Away With…Almost Anything
George Zgourides (Author), Nancy L. Pickering. 2000. Paper. 203pg. $15.95. Loompanics Unlimited.
Never get caught without a ready excuse again. This book has your ass covered every which way from Sunday. Posers everywhere will be in awe, wondering how you can keep coming up with such endless streams of pure unadulterated bullshit. They will quickly come up with lame excuses to explain away their ineptitude. You will look down with derision and scorn from your poser throne high in the clouds…
Red Flags: How To Know When You’re Dating a Loser
Gary Aumiller and Daniel Goldfarb. 1999. Paper. 288pg. $14.00. Plume.
Pray that your date doesn’t read this book. If she does she’s going to drop you faster than you drop your drawers and take a minimum wage job…
Loser Goes First: My Thirty-Something Years of Dumb Luck and Minor Humiliation
Dan Kennedy. 2004. Paper. 240pg. $12.00. Three Rivers Press.
Here is a story of hope, a poser that actually found success after all else failed.
II. Movies for Posers
Directed and Written by Mike Judge. 1999. Starring Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston.
Here’s a guy who hates his life but won’t do anything about it. Year after mind-numbing year in a cubicle doing idiotic tasks that are obviously a waste of time but still he sits there. He knows he’s a coward without the courage or will to change, so he takes the poser’s way out and asks a hypnotherapist to program his mind so it thinks he’s happy. It works and behold he becomes a mindless happy moron. This is the so-called hero we are presented with to cheer. You however will relate and relish in his triumphs. Behold, they smash a printer to death. Spoiler Alert! This chump ends up a ditch digger and his friends return to their cubicles chastened and jealous of the one true winner in the movie who follows his dream and ends up rich and happy.
Death of a Salesman
Directed by Laslo Benedek. Written by Arthur Miller and Stanley Roberts. 1951. Starring Fredric March as Willy Loman. Photo from the 1961 version.
The prototypical stereotype of the salesman as a loser. What most think of when the think of sales reps to the great detriment of the profession. The poser’s autobiography ignoring the successful reps who find ways out of adversity and don’t whine or quit.
III. A Poser’s Life
Posers rejoice! Forget guitar lessons and hard work practicing with sore fingers. Forget delayed gratification. You can pretend to play right now with no practice, unless you count posing like a clown in front of the mirror desperately trying to look cool. It was pitiful enough when confined to a loser’s bedroom, now the contagion has spread to the point where there is a world championship competition every year. We are on our way to a well-deserved extinction.
What can possibly be more sad than adults pretending they are playing a guitar? Doing it virtually, all alone, as a video game. Well at least it’s not another game where you gain points by killing people.
An avatar is is a Hindu term for the incarnation of a higher being to a lesser being. How apropos for our online worlds where we descend from homo sapiens, the end result of millions of years of hard-won evolution, to a mindless idiot plugged into a machine.
Where pretending, posing, is instantly rewarded. Is it any wonder that once they plug in they stay plugged in? If it reminds you of heroin addiction it’s because they are the same thing.
If you want muscles, why work out? Simply pick an avatar with muscles. If you want a lover, it’s all a click away with virtual dating – no risk of STDs or having to buy dinner first. No awkward moments as you search far far back in your DNA for what’s left of a man.
It’s like an assembly line for mass-producing losers. Henry Ford would have been proud.